


Requiem for the Dead

by PsychedOut



Category: Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha | Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Gen, Loss, NanoFate in the background but not particularly important
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-11-01 01:34:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10911603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PsychedOut/pseuds/PsychedOut
Summary: Letting go is hard. But sometimes taking that first step just requires having the right people to talk to. Slight NanoFate.





	Requiem for the Dead

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kisuru](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kisuru/gifts).



> So I'm new to this whole "writing fanfic" thing but I've been tempted to write one for a while and this prompt from Yuletide really grabbed me; it's an interesting aspect of Fate's character that at most gets wrapped up really quickly in A's, and that's a bit unfair. So after some revisions, this is what I came up with. Hopefully it's not too terrible!
> 
> Always welcome constructive criticism!

The bedroom on the second floor of the Midoriya Cafe was relatively sparse in terms of furnishings. It had a single table in the center of the room, decorated with a few pictures on an upper shelf, a wooden chair, a pet bowl, and a moderate-sized bed with black covers. Nanoha had begged the room's owner to allow her to get some things that would “brighten the room up a little”, but the room's occupant had held firm. This was all that they needed, anything more would be her being a burden. Nanoha had relented in time.

That occupant of the room, Fate T. Harlaown, sat silently in front of the guest room's table. Her massive degree of anxiety was apparent, but she also was growing more and more frustrated. The words simply wouldn't come. As she moved the pencil closer to a blank sheet of white paper sitting on the desk, her right hand shook so rapidly that her pencil fell. She could hear it clattering as it hit the floor. This was something she needed to do. She knew that. So why was it so hard?! 

It all came back to the nightmares. She'd been having them for a long time. They were sometimes of the Garden of Time. Of it falling. Of... of Mother falling with it. Of Mother dying. She also heard Mother's laughter when Fate had tried to save her. Even when she woke up... the sound of that laughter would ring in her ears. Sometimes she couldn't escape it for the rest of the day. 

In other dreams, Mother appeared alone, perfectly alive. She berated Fate for not getting the jewel seeds. For being out-classed in skill by a pathetic little girl. (Later the dreams also taunted her for falling for said pathetic little girl.) They were so prevalent that Fate went often went entire days without sleep- preferring mental and physical exhaustion over waking up in the middle of the night, her cheeks wet with tears. 

Even when awake, she occasionally found herself distracted by what could have been. If she had had more time, could she have figured out some way to save Mother? Was there anything she could have done? Her heart was convinced there had been, even if her brain so adamantly disagreed.

Escaping the illusion created by Reinforce merely made the night terrors worse. She'd seen a universe where she could have lived happily with Mother (Mother was still alive! And she truly loved her!) and Fate had merely cast it aside. It was fake, true, but Mother had seemed so real... her compassion had seemed so genuine... so much so that did the fact that it was fake really matter? Wasn't her consigning that dream world to oblivion just killing her all over again? 

The rational part of her brain knew very well that it was probably best that Mother was dead. She was cruel, abused Fate both emotionally and physically and was simply a bad parent in every sense of the word. Lindy had shown her what a real mother was like- that they were someone who gave their child emotional support. Gave them comfort. Gave them love. She cherished every minute that they had together, and knew that it was because of that love and support that Fate had even gotten this far. 

But the fact was that it was Mother that had caused her to exist. It was Mother that had helped her become a talented mage. It was Mother who had initially given her purpose to her life; she was the first person to ever give her life a drive, a meaning. There was just no way to replace that. There was no way to replicate how much that had meant to Fate. 

Lindy was her Mom. Mother was Mother. 

No matter how much she reminded herself of how poorly Mother had treated her, the words felt hollow. Empty. 

It had been three years since Mother had... died. She had tried to take care of matters herself, but her failure was readily apparent to anybody remotely close to her. After pleading from, essentially, every single person around her, she had agreed to see a therapist and provide a... summarized version of her problems. The sessions generally went well, but they didn't really help in any measurable sense. The situation was well beyond the therapist's understanding, after all, and the redacted version Fate gave her essentially concealed most of the key problems. And thus, the nightmares continued to plague her. They never stopped. Never. 

She never told Nanoha or her family that things weren't going well, of course. Just the opposite. There'd been great progress, thanks for asking, everything was coming along nicely. No need to worry them with her issues. I got great sleep last night, why do you ask?

She just had to be the same Fate as always. That was her job. That was her role. She didn't deserve to be worry them about if something this petty continued to trouble her. She'd figure something out. 

When Fate had asked for ways to get her Mother out of her head, more out of obligation than anything, her therapist had suggested, with a smile, that she write a note to Mother, telling her how Fate felt. She'd told Fate that it was often a very effective way to vent a person's feelings and to come to terms with the death of a loved one. She also stated that, she expected to see some results by the time they met next.

So here she was, the night before her next appointment, trying to write something, anything, down. And was so weak that she couldn't even properly hold her pencil. She was still that weak, pathetic little girl she'd always been. She bent down to pick it up, but spontaneously decided that it would be far more productive to simply cry and ram her head against the table in her room. The sound of banging proceeded to echo throughout the house. 

Bang.

Her feelings began overwhelming her.

Bang.

She felt helplessness.

Bang.

She felt fear.

Bang.

She felt sorrow. 

Bang.

She felt frustration.

Fate was so concentrated on the banging she was causing, in fact, that she doesn't hear the sound of someone knocking on the door, or the creak that resulted from that same door opening moments later. The first time Fate even realized that somebody else had entered the room was when two arms pulled her into a soft, comforting embrace. 

She knew who it was without even asking. She slowly straightened up in her chair before greeting the one person she didn't want to see, but, at the same time, knew that this was the one person she desperately needed to talk to.

“N...Nanoha.” She whispered, unable to keep her voice from quivering. 

“Hi, Fate.” She said, though her voice lacked its usual perkiness, instead clearly layered with a mixture of confusion and concern. “Can you tell me what's wrong? You know you can talk to me, right?”

The absurdity of the idea that she couldn't talk to Nanoha about absolutely anything almost made her laugh, but the prospective laughter died almost immediately upon a moment of self-reflection. She took a deep breath in an attempt to steady her voice and collect her thoughts, and then began to speak.

“Everything is fine.” She said instinctively. 

“Fate, please don't lie to me.” Nanoha responded. Her voice had a pleading quality to it but also a sort of... steeliness behind it that made Fate obey immediately.

“My therapist thought it would be a good idea to write a letter to... to Mother. Let her know how I feel.” 

When Fate paused for a moment, Nanoha asked for her to continue. 

“But... I just... I can't. I'm scared. Mother meant so much to me... did so much for me at the beginning... and now it feels like I'm supposed to just throw her away like it's nothing. Throw her away a second time... maybe a third.” Nanoha kept holding her as she made her confession. Nanoha was warm. She was comforting. It was this warm and comfort that caused Fate to continue- to talk about the true reason she was afraid- one she didn't even want to admit to herself.

“And... I know whatever I say won't be enough. I can't let her go. It would disappoint her. It would make her angry. She wants to be there, in my heart, forever. And if I make her angry...” She trailed off. Sounds of the whip lashing against her skin and her own pained screams echoed through the blonde's head. 

“Oh... Fate.” Nanoha whispered, sounding like she was on the verge of tears herself. But she kept clinging to the other girl, her arms not even trembling. “I... I don't think I can say the absolutely perfect thing here. Something that will make everything okay. I can push you in the right direction, but in the end, this is up to you. This is your battle, and I know you're strong enough to win it.” She paused, as though in thought. “But this? How you're acting? This isn't the Fate I know. The Fate I know, the Fate I love, fights with everything she has. She'd get scared- anybody would get scared about something like this- but she'd overcome it. Even though it was hard- no, she'd succeed because it was hard. She would rise to the challenge and overcome anything in her way.”

Suddenly a swell of rage burst through Fate's body. She shoved Nanoha's arms off her, jumped out of her wooden chair, and spun around to face the other girl, whom was now wearing a shocked expression on her face.

“You make it sound so easy.” She spat. “But it's not. This isn't a battle where I can just slash at my opponent with Bardiche until they go away!” Her voice began to shake again, her rage already subsiding, and transitioning to the now-familiar feelings of pain and despair. She knew that this wasn't like her- she tried be in control, always. But she was so sad and in so much pain that she couldn't bring herself to care. “I... I just... I can't fight it. Even if I could... I can't win. It's impossible.” Her voice shrank down to a whisper that Nanoha can barely hear. “I'm not strong enough. I'm not like you.” Mother was right. She was a weak little girl She always had been, and she always would be.

Nanoha simply shook her head. “I know you don't believe that, Fate. If you did, you wouldn't be trying to do this at-”

Fate suddenly interrupted her. Her voice grew louder, and she hoped that nobody else was listening. “I'm so weak that I couldn't even tell you all the truth! Nothing has changed. I haven't been trying! I haven't gotten any better! I just pretended because I didn't want to worry you. If I were stronger... this would be over already. I'd be happy! And I wouldn't have to... keep... lying.” Fate seemed to be on the verge of tears, but kept what scraps remained of her composure.

Nanoha's expression became downcast, and Fate wished that she simply hadn't said anything at all. “Knowing how you feel is never a burden Fate. I care about you, remember? I always want to know how you feel and, if you're struggling, how I can help make you smile.” She gave Fate a bright grin, as if to illustrate the point. She embraced her again, and Fate didn't have the strength or motivation to pull her away. “I know that you're strong. But this is hard; you can't just expect things to get better right away. It takes time. But you're underestimating yourself, and in your heart I think you know that. You know that you can get better; you know that you can beat this. Beat her.”

At the end Nanoha's voice grew dark and even bitter for a moment; unusual for the typically-chipper girl. That edge to her voice was gone as quickly as it had appeared, however. She gave Fate a 1000 watt smile that seemed to brighten the whole room.

“Believe in yourself, Fate. You're smart. You're brave. You're stronger than I could ever hope to be. You can do this, I promise. Remember all the people on your side- Me, Chrono, Hayate, Ms. Lindy... and Arf of course! There's just so many friends and members of your family that you have now. So many people that you've helped and people you've saved- because you are that brave and strong.” Her voice softened slightly.”You can do this. Try to believe in yourself as much as I believe in you, okay?”

She then broke from the embrace. She stared at Fate for a second, then after making Fate promise to be honest with her about matters like this from now on, left the room, the door shutting quietly behind her. 

And Fate was alone again. But something felt different. She didn't feel like the little girl that Mother had abused any longer; Nanoha's comforting words had banished that girl to the furthest recesses of her mind. She was the Fate of today. The Fate of three years later. The Fate that had met Nanoha, her mom, her brother, and so many other people. People that had helped her recover, grow, and change into the type of person she was now. The Fate that her younger self would have never dreamed she'd be able to become. 

_”Try to believe in yourself as much as I believe in you, okay?”_

Nanoha's words still resonated in her mind, nearly bringing tears to her eyes. A different kind of tears. She decided that, just maybe, writing something down could make a difference after all. 

She picked the nearly-forgotten pencil up off the floor. She sat back down and gazed at the white sheet of paper for a moment. The paper now stained with Fate's tears, but she was sure her therapist would understand- and then began to write.

_Dear Mother,_

_Goodbye._

She knew that it was all she needed to write. For now, at least. It spoke for itself, she felt. She had plenty of time to write more later. It was a start. And that's all she needed right now 

Fate went to bed shortly thereafter. For the first time in a long while, she had a peaceful, dreamless sleep.


End file.
